i don’t really even care about falling in love. sometimes, i feel out of the loop because i don’t crave that love. but, i pretend to crave it. i can go on and on about “craving” love. i don’t know why, though. i don’t see the point in pretending to crave.
i am not sad. i am too real to be sad.
is love real?
sometimes i believe love is real and people aren’t.
Saturday, January 14
Inhaling my last square, staring at the only star I can pinpoint. It is shining bright. It is staring at me in the eye. I wonder if it is watching over me. I wonder if anybody is watching over me.
Does this square have any importance to me? It took me 3 days to convince myself that it’d be okay to inhale it. That i needed to. What a stupid thing it’d be to save a sqyare for memory sake.
I’m listening to the sounds of a familiar voie that kept me company while I was in Seattle and Alaska. The voice that made me feel so much and so empty at the same time.
My naked feet are touching the cold floor.
The square is almost done.
What now?
How do you unlike a person? Do you know? Will you guide me?
I wonder when I will be able to take myself serious in the light and not just in the dark.
I often wonder.
I do, I do.
Wednesday, January 11
I am not sad; I am human.
I feel like my face is peeling off my skin. I glide my fingers across my eyes and can almost tug away my skin. I am feeling all these different textures on my face, some that are soft and some that are as rough as can be. Sometimes, it hurts to touch the rough. But, the pain I feel is almost desirous. I find myself continuously touching the parts that hurt. And, then I just stop and continue living my life.
I do not feel like I am harming myself, but as I look at my body I see all these bruises and cuts. They do not hurt, though. They just remain sprinkled on my body.
I want to tell you that it is nice being alive. It is nice looking out the same window I’ve been staring out all day and finally seeing shades of different colors in the sky. The pastel pink and orange blending with the soft shade of blue calms my entire mind.
It is nice being alive and being able to see what surrounds myself. I think I take my vision for granted a lot of the times. I even catch myself whining about what I see. I don’t understand why. It is all so beautiful.
Earlier, I was beneath my house in the backyard. It’s my secret spot where I just sit on these huge white rocks and stare at the forest in front of me. As I was sitting on the rock, I was just overwhelmed by all the beauty that was surrounding me. The trees, the dirt, the rocks. They all looked so beautiful to me. The wind was blowing my hair away as I continued staring at these beautiful forms of nature. By no means was I staring at these objects in an artistic manner. No, I was just staring at them with my eyes wide open.
Whenever I finally decide to really open my eyes, the world really becomes this beautiful, gentle creation.
